I wrote an email to send to you yesterday but didn’t have time to send it before going to tennis. Monday afternoon is Junior day and before surgery I used to give some of the parents a hit up and it was time to try out my body and see if I could start playing again.
One of the mothers I hit with has a partner who has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I’ve spoken to him several times when he has come down but I hadn’t seen them in several weeks. Yesterday she told me that his news was not good. The cancer has progressed into his spine and has virtually taken over his liver and he only has a few months to go.
I listened to the words she spoke, how she lamented that he never had a chance in this battle: that he had multiple tumours in his liver when it was detected and that the fight was already lost and my heart broke, not just for the situation they found themselves in but for the impotence I felt in that moment. Part of me wanted to challenge her: to say that I had multiple lesions in my liver as well when it was detected, but of course I did not say anything like that. The other part of me was saying who do you think you are to try and change the way people see cancer?
The skeptic will tell me that I was only lucky but I won’t let the fear and doubt stop me from moving forward. The great tragedy is that this man was fed a story that he was impotent, and that cancer was this deadly disease that he had no chance of recovering from. He was fed a story that dis-empowered him from the start and turned his life into a struggle for survival where he was completely dependent upon the medical system. What would have happened if he’d been told a different story? What might have been possible if he had been told that cancer was a wake-up call from Life to draw him back to his purpose and a place of harmony with Life herself? He may still have died but he might not have and he might have gone towards death with a sense of peace rather than despair and impotence. Just maybe it could all be so different.
The timing of this conversation was so synchronistic – again, and you’ll understand why I say that when you read the original email I wrote which is below. I could be completely wrong but I’m not going to give up on Life: I’m not going to sit back any more and hold the insights I’ve been given to myself from fear that I might upset someone or be seen to be insensitive. I’m getting all passionate now and starting to stand on that familiar soap box so I’ll stop here and hand over to the original email which will finish the story. Oh, and please, if you find this too long, skip to the end and see my request for help.
Love you all.
I have a PET scan on Wednesday followed by a CT scan and blood tests and get all the results next Monday. We should know what is going on in the lung by that time and be able to develop a strategy. I’m enjoyed the month of May, not having any medical appointments. I think it is the longest I’ve gone since this whole journey began without having a medical appointment of some sort.
After my initial diagnosis I felt strongly that the root cause of the cancer lay in the blocking of creative energy that was pouring into me. All those books written: all that wisdom received from the universe and held inside, never allowed to fly free as it so desperately wanted to. Despite the great progress I’ve made I cannot afford to relax the efforts to change the story of my life and that very root issue remains to be dealt with.
Two weeks ago I received guidance that I was to start a movement to use the lessons from cancer to help with transforming the world. It is a daunting task and yet I also feel I’ve been led to this place by Life herself. My usual tendency is to treat such projects as an engineer would, which means having a plan and details all worked out before moving forward. The result in the past has been that I freeze because there is no way to know what such an initiative would look like or where it might lead. I certainly can’t do it on my own or without more guidance. So this time I must step into the mystery and move forward without a plan.
The other thing I am conscious of is that I use the medical appointments as an excuse to delay taking action. It is all too easy to think, “I’ll just wait till after these scans and the meeting next Monday and then, if things work out OK, I’ll start.” The danger with this is that I am giving power to the thought that things might not be OK, rather than mobilizing my entire energy system in the direction of moving into the future with joy and freedom. So it is important for me to move now.
The new belief that I am working with is that *the universe loves and adores me and my deepest creative desire is an expression of this universal love. Life and the universe will rejoice and dance with me in ecstatic partnership when I free myself to birth this unique creative expression.*
Sounds pretty good eh? It is a far cry from the fear that I’ve lived under regarding that same creative expression and I’m committing to throwing myself into Life as if she were my long lost lover.
Which brings me to my request: I feel a need to make a start: to put something out there. I’ve started writing a book called “Back from the Brink”, which will help communicate the idea that cancer has a higher purpose, which is to show humanity what it is doing to itself and provide clues on how we might navigate the challenges of the future. My pattern is to lock myself away and write a book till it is complete and by then the energy is drained from me so this time I need to do it differently.
My desire is to have a small group of 8 to 10 people who can work on it with me, by reading it as it comes off the computer and helping identify areas where it loses energy or gets bogged down. I want to stress this is not a book about cancer or about healing cancer: it is a book about global transformation and the need to awaken the sacred masculine within the structures and institutions that dominate our society. Cancer is just the sign post in this story.
I’ve attached a link below which leads to the first chapter so anyone can read it and get a sense if it resonates with them. You are gleefully invited to take part if you so desire and my request is to ask if you would please share this with anyone you think might be interested, together, we can find the right people to help this project take on a life of its own.
"Back From The Brink"